TTC, Miscarrying, and Losing Hope

My love and I have been ttc since January. On July 10th I miscarried we knew we should have waited until after my cycle returned to normal but everyone was like “I got pregnant again right after I miscarried” or “you’re extra fertile after a miscarriage” so once I stopped bleeding and spotting we got back into the swing of things. Everyone had gotten our hopes up so high that when I was late again this month we rushed and got a pregnancy test. The test came out negative so we were gonna wait a few days and try again, but the next morning my period had arrived. That was a huge let down.

Now I just feel hopeless, you are extra fertile after a miscarriage due to all the hormones running rampant and we were so hoping that we’d still have a baby in April. I have hypothyroidism and PCOS so I know I’m why we’re having so much trouble conceiving and it’s really starting to get to me.

I just want a baby so badly but we’re constantly let down. Month after month after month. The short time I was pregnant was the happiest I’ve ever been. And losing that little bean was without a doubt the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. We’re going to keep trying but I don’t know how much more disappointment I can take.

August 13, 2017

So I haven’t posted in a while I had gone back to work at a retail store near home and I hated it. I was never home when my honey was. And when I finally got home close to 11 at night I had time to eat some of the crock-pot meal I made for him and kiss him goodnight. It was wrecking havoc on our relationship.

So after we talked and did some math we decided that his pay was plenty enough and I could be a stay at home wife and if we have children a stay at home mom. Now the fights have stopped and we’re much better off. And I have more than enough time to plan our wedding and put everything together since we’re going DIY.

I’ve saved so much on our big day by making everything by myself instead of shelling out a ton of money for things that I can make. I’m even making our wedding cake and all the food.

I do want to bring a little something home but the look on his face when he comes through the door after a long day and I’m home waiting for him with a hot meal on the table and open arms is worth more than any paycheck

April 29, 2017

After struggling with my never ending boredom I finally got a job and even though it’ll only be a few hours a week it’s better than nothing.

Things have been strained between my love and I lately and it’s due to the fact that my former best friend was male. He trusts me but he had all these mouths coming at him telling him something fishy was going on. I told my friend what was going on and that I wouldn’t be around as much he took it to the extreme and deleted me from everything and said somethings that I will never forgive.

I have stood up for him time and time again and jeopardized my relationship for our friendship but no more. I’m not going to hurt the love of my life for someone that always has an excuse. My love will never say it to me but I know this makes him feel better. Knowing that he’s the only guy in my life. But the thing is besides him I don’t have any friends now.

That’s kinda why I fought so hard to keep the friend around. My love has gads of friends who are always asking him to hang out I had one and now I don’t have anyone. So while my love is at work and when I’m off work I don’t have anyone to talk to.

But that’s okay so long as I can fix the damage inflicted upon my relationship. As long as I get to curl up in bed with my love every night I know everything will be okay. As long as I have him I don’t need anyone else