TTC, Miscarrying, and Losing Hope

My love and I have been ttc since January. On July 10th I miscarried we knew we should have waited until after my cycle returned to normal but everyone was like “I got pregnant again right after I miscarried” or “you’re extra fertile after a miscarriage” so once I stopped bleeding and spotting we got back into the swing of things. Everyone had gotten our hopes up so high that when I was late again this month we rushed and got a pregnancy test. The test came out negative so we were gonna wait a few days and try again, but the next morning my period had arrived. That was a huge let down.

Now I just feel hopeless, you are extra fertile after a miscarriage due to all the hormones running rampant and we were so hoping that we’d still have a baby in April. I have hypothyroidism and PCOS so I know I’m why we’re having so much trouble conceiving and it’s really starting to get to me.

I just want a baby so badly but we’re constantly let down. Month after month after month. The short time I was pregnant was the happiest I’ve ever been. And losing that little bean was without a doubt the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. We’re going to keep trying but I don’t know how much more disappointment I can take.

March 21st, 2017

So this not working is actually pretty nice. I get to relax and take care of our home, have a hot meal on the table when my love comes home, and I get to try different recipes all day. Like yesterday I got my nails done and then I spent the day baking. I made so many cookies I probably still smell like a bakery.

Don’t get me wrong I still would like some form of employment but the look on my loves face when he comes home and I have dinner on the table is devine. He jokes that I can just be his little house wife, but I’m pretty sure that’s what he really wants. Like I said he doesn’t let me pay for anything.

Really being a housewife wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t just me at home all day, but we have a very slim chance of ever children.  We’ve been passively trying, you know if we get pregnant great but if not that’s okay. With my medical conditions if we were to really try we’d just be disappointed over and over again. This way we’re prepared for anything and we keep our hopes under control.

If we were to have children I don’t think I’d be too worried about working. But it’s just me while he’s at work and I get bored and lonely. I keep our home clean and organized and there’s only so much laundry. I can only do so much before I run out of tasks. And like I said it’s just me; I clean house and keep it clean.

I just need something to keep me busy during the day.