TTC, Miscarrying, and Losing Hope

My love and I have been ttc since January. On July 10th I miscarried we knew we should have waited until after my cycle returned to normal but everyone was like “I got pregnant again right after I miscarried” or “you’re extra fertile after a miscarriage” so once I stopped bleeding and spotting we got back into the swing of things. Everyone had gotten our hopes up so high that when I was late again this month we rushed and got a pregnancy test. The test came out negative so we were gonna wait a few days and try again, but the next morning my period had arrived. That was a huge let down.

Now I just feel hopeless, you are extra fertile after a miscarriage due to all the hormones running rampant and we were so hoping that we’d still have a baby in April. I have hypothyroidism and PCOS so I know I’m why we’re having so much trouble conceiving and it’s really starting to get to me.

I just want a baby so badly but we’re constantly let down. Month after month after month. The short time I was pregnant was the happiest I’ve ever been. And losing that little bean was without a doubt the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. We’re going to keep trying but I don’t know how much more disappointment I can take.

August 13, 2017

So I haven’t posted in a while I had gone back to work at a retail store near home and I hated it. I was never home when my honey was. And when I finally got home close to 11 at night I had time to eat some of the crock-pot meal I made for him and kiss him goodnight. It was wrecking havoc on our relationship.

So after we talked and did some math we decided that his pay was plenty enough and I could be a stay at home wife and if we have children a stay at home mom. Now the fights have stopped and we’re much better off. And I have more than enough time to plan our wedding and put everything together since we’re going DIY.

I’ve saved so much on our big day by making everything by myself instead of shelling out a ton of money for things that I can make. I’m even making our wedding cake and all the food.

I do want to bring a little something home but the look on his face when he comes through the door after a long day and I’m home waiting for him with a hot meal on the table and open arms is worth more than any paycheck

April 29, 2017

After struggling with my never ending boredom I finally got a job and even though it’ll only be a few hours a week it’s better than nothing.

Things have been strained between my love and I lately and it’s due to the fact that my former best friend was male. He trusts me but he had all these mouths coming at him telling him something fishy was going on. I told my friend what was going on and that I wouldn’t be around as much he took it to the extreme and deleted me from everything and said somethings that I will never forgive.

I have stood up for him time and time again and jeopardized my relationship for our friendship but no more. I’m not going to hurt the love of my life for someone that always has an excuse. My love will never say it to me but I know this makes him feel better. Knowing that he’s the only guy in my life. But the thing is besides him I don’t have any friends now.

That’s kinda why I fought so hard to keep the friend around. My love has gads of friends who are always asking him to hang out I had one and now I don’t have anyone. So while my love is at work and when I’m off work I don’t have anyone to talk to.

But that’s okay so long as I can fix the damage inflicted upon my relationship. As long as I get to curl up in bed with my love every night I know everything will be okay. As long as I have him I don’t need anyone else

 

March 23, 2017

So I got my final paycheck from my old job and I was able to buy my wedding dress and pay all our bills. And I got my love his ring. Now we can focus on getting our new home. 

We went and looked at the house we liked online but the bottom floor has kinda skewed our opinion. The upper floor is perfect and looks like it has just recently been remodeled but the bottom looks like they started a remodel and gave up. You can’t even access it from the top. You have to go to a side door. 

It’s rather cheap only 49,900 but we’d have to put so much just in the bottom. That doesn’t include anything extra we find wrong with it. It kinda broke my heart. We have other houses we’re looking at but we loved the location and the land of that one. Now I don’t know what to do with myself 

March 21st, 2017

So this not working is actually pretty nice. I get to relax and take care of our home, have a hot meal on the table when my love comes home, and I get to try different recipes all day. Like yesterday I got my nails done and then I spent the day baking. I made so many cookies I probably still smell like a bakery.

Don’t get me wrong I still would like some form of employment but the look on my loves face when he comes home and I have dinner on the table is devine. He jokes that I can just be his little house wife, but I’m pretty sure that’s what he really wants. Like I said he doesn’t let me pay for anything.

Really being a housewife wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t just me at home all day, but we have a very slim chance of ever children.  We’ve been passively trying, you know if we get pregnant great but if not that’s okay. With my medical conditions if we were to really try we’d just be disappointed over and over again. This way we’re prepared for anything and we keep our hopes under control.

If we were to have children I don’t think I’d be too worried about working. But it’s just me while he’s at work and I get bored and lonely. I keep our home clean and organized and there’s only so much laundry. I can only do so much before I run out of tasks. And like I said it’s just me; I clean house and keep it clean.

I just need something to keep me busy during the day.

March 20th, 2017

Well I’m 90% sure I didn’t get the job I was hoping for which is okay. My love says I don’t have to work he makes enough for the both of us, but I want to work. I want to contribute. He doesn’t understand, I don’t think. I need to work. I need to do more than keep house. 

Don’t get me wrong I love cooking and cleaning and all that 1950s housewife shit. I do. But I’ve been supporting myself since I was 18 it’s hard going from that to letting him pay for everything. One of the few fights we get in is over money and it’s because he won’t let me pay for anything. He hates when  I buy him a pack of cigarettes for crying out loud. 

But I digress. Maybe I’ll start selling Avon or pampered chef or something. That way we’ll both get what we want. I’ll have something of a job and he’ll have me home. But I don’t know.  Those always seemed like too much work for too little compensation. 

If anyone is reading this, what do you suggest?

March 18th, 2017

So I recently quit my job at a nursing home. I loved what I did and I loved my residents but there comes a point where the bullshit and drama just become too much and you have to ask yourself if being miserable is worth it. And I got way passed that point. When you work for a corporation you realize how much upper management cares about the people in their care verses how much they care about money.

I’m not going to go into details of exactly why I left all that matters now is that I’m much happier even though I have gads of spare time while my love is at work and you can only do so much laundry and house work before you lose your mind. So I decided to blog. If for no other reason than to have something to do. I haven’t quite decided what I’ll post about.

I mean I don’t have any kids so I can’t make a mommy blog. I don’t go out much so it won’t be a travel blog. I like makeup and clothes but not enough to advise others. I knit but I freehand mostly and I suck at explaining/teaching. We’ll just have to see where this goes. Until I get to a point where I know what I want this to go I’m just going to wing it.